(no subject)

[bobcatmoran]

I had dinner with my Japanese Film class at the prof's house tonight. The food was excellent, and everyone in the class is pretty nice, but I was kind of glad when it was over. I'm incredibly socially inept. It takes me upwards of a year before I feel comfortable enough around someone to actually come out of my shell, and even then, I'm still pretty quiet. I've never mastered the art of conversation. Heck, I'm barely even at novice level in it. I kind of surprise myself by being able to write dialogue which, judging from the feedback I've received, is pretty good, since I'm so godawful at it myself. I seriously do not know how to talk to people. Give presentations, sure, I can handle that. Three years on the speech team as a storyteller did wonders for my public speaking skills. But ask me to hold a conversation with someone, and I'm lost. Put me in a big group, and I'll wallflower, unsure of where to jump in. Being in the middle of a social gathering is, from my point of view, like being thrust into some sort of game where everyone seems to know the rules but me.

Even online, where I don't have to actually look people in the face, I still worry a lot about what I say to the point where I often end up not saying anything at all. Then, when I do say something, it comes out in this big, huge chunk, and then I worry that I've said too much or that no one cares or that I've offended someone or that I sound like a self-centered, arrogant jerk. I'm a nice person — or at least I'd like to think that I am — but I worry that I come off as very aloof due to my lack of people skills.

I think this is one reason why I'm really not a very good RPer. I can't even talk to people as a 4-foot tall robot without overthinking everything. I think I actually worry more about how I'm coming off in that case, because on top of all my issues with not really knowing how to hold a conversation, I also worry about characterization a lot. Rock actually hasn't even "said" anything in a few days because I've been so paranoid about the fact that I don't know if I'm being consistent with his character and because I've been worried that he's been too quiet (which, of course, being even quieter doesn't fix in any way, shape, or form). And I worry because I take at least ten minutes to reply to everything, since I ponder things over too much.

In fact, I think I might have actually gotten worse since I graduated from high school, which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that about every two months my senior year I was going to a funeral for someone who was close to me. I sometimes wonder if there isn't this little voice telling my subconscious that I can get close to people, but not too close, because who knows when they might be taken away.

...Okay, stopping that train of thought right there before this turns into a total angst-fest. Good grief, I sure can be bipolar with my journal entries.